Usually I write about my life and experiences once I have processed specific events, and established the lessons I learnt as a result, but right now I feel like I am in a bit of a strange place. On the whole, I am doing well. I wouldn’t say I was struggling, but on the other hand, I am not feeling 100% either. To badly sum it up, not a lot and a lot has changed in the time since publishing my last post.
I am still stuck in a rut when it comes to who I am and where I am going; particularly when it comes to my career. It is like the energy I have to throw myself into something I love is building, but because I am so flummoxed by endless opportunities, and not knowing what path I want to take, I have become overcome with worry and a fear that I don’t know what is best or that “I can’t do it”. So instead I lay in bed and allow these thoughts to fester.
Yet when it comes to my mental health, I have taken the reigns by starting open-ended therapy. Rather than let a lull turn into a downward spiral, I have been attending sessions for a few months now to slowly pick apart all the things that continue to have a hold over me. It has been incredibly difficult. I have cried in every single session. But I am making progress. The biggest eye-opener so far has been learning that I almost constantly punish myself for, and hold myself back from, being my true self.
I’m still experiencing a level of disinterest when it comes to most of my hobbies, and am also finding it difficult to motivate myself to exercise regularly as of late. I don’t feel there is too much I can say on this apart from that I must make time for myself and try to feel things out as I go.
Then on a wildly different note, I have also begun a new ~ romantic ~ relationship. Something that I didn’t see coming at all… In fact, if you would have told past me I would have a boyfriend just a few months ago, I would have laughed you out of the room, down the street, and off of the planet. I’m scared, I’m excited, but I’m taking each day as it comes. Ultimately I am having a wonderful time right now, and I think that is the most important thing.
I guess that whilst some parts of my life are currently stagnant, I am working towards finding out who I am and the direction I want to pursue in a somewhat roundabout way. Through unravelling how I am guarded and suppress myself in therapy, I am hoping that this will provide a basis for me to create a better understanding of myself and, consequently, work out where I am headed. And despite my dwindling interest in the usual things that bring me joy, the universe is giving me signs that I deserve good things - and that they are likely to happen when I least expect them. I must try to be patient, and just do what I can, when I can.
It isn’t easy to live in this moment. To sit with the uncertainty and insecurity surrounding it all. To feel as though I am wasting time and failing myself. Spinning plates to stay afloat. But isn’t that just it? As some things go up, others will come down. Life is a balancing act, and I can’t do much else than take the rough with the smooth.