Starting Over

 
 Portrait by  Luke

Portrait by Luke

You join me at a very strange time in my life.

I'm in my mid-twenties, with a degree, and full time job in a related field, but feel so incredibly lost. 

The success I worked towards since childhood doesn't equate to the expectation I bestowed upon it, and after years of striving towards this, I can't begin to tell you what I want. Or, more damning, who I am.

Whilst there are parts of myself that speak louder than others, such as the bands I like or genres of books I enjoy, this doesn't resemble a full personality to me. They shape who I am, but don't make who I am, and to be honest, right now, they feel like fragments floating in the ether.

I often blame my undeveloped state on the childhood Summers I can't tell apart. Spent inside and ill, rather than outside exploring. But whatever reason I use to try to understand my stunted growth does not change the fact that there's only one person who can actually change it - and that's me.

Feeling restless and pent up in this constant cycle of not knowing, I thought I would start here. In a space that is mine, and a space I can experiment in.

Looking back, I don't feel like my blog has ever been an extension of myself, but a projection of the person I thought I wanted to be. Whilst every post was written to present a toothy grin, many were dead behind the eyes. And when I focused my blog on three topics in the hope to guide me, I boxed myself in further; forgetting that I wasn't a brand, genre or theme, but a fucking human being. (Sorry Mum.)

This doesn't have a conclusion, because it isn't one. It's a start. I just don't know where I'm going next.