Making Trails

These photos were taken from a bridge over the A1(M). I have visited this spot a handful of times when I have a noisy mind. Finding comfort in the constant and loud hum of passing vehicles, and the way the rumble drones out most other sounds.

Making the most of the long days, as the end of Summer drew ever closer, Luke and I headed out with our cameras in hand. We had given up on chasing sunsets for the evening, and went to try our hand at long exposures instead.

I first set my camera up on a tripod to capture the trails of head and tail lights passing underneath us. Tinkering with the settings to find out which f-stop let enough light in to keep the lights illuminated, but the cars and location fairly dark. Underwhelmed by the results, I decided to pick the camera up and start experimenting with movement.

Considering these photos were not what I originally planned to capture, I am pleased with how they turned out! I am such a fiend for long exposures and light trails in photography that it is no surprise to me that I fell for these quite quickly. Especially after running them through Lightroom and Photoshop afterwards, and seeing the colours pop.

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Balancing Act

Portraits by  Luke

Portraits by Luke

Usually I write about my life and experiences once I have processed specific events, and established the lessons I learnt as a result, but right now I feel like I am in a bit of a strange place. On the whole, I am doing well. I wouldn’t say I was struggling, but on the other hand, I am not feeling 100% either. To badly sum it up, not a lot and a lot has changed in the time since publishing my last post.

I am still stuck in a rut when it comes to who I am and where I am going; particularly when it comes to my career. It is like the energy I have to throw myself into something I love is building, but because I am so flummoxed by endless opportunities, and not knowing what path I want to take, I have become overcome with worry and a fear that I don’t know what is best or that “I can’t do it”. So instead I lay in bed and allow these thoughts to fester.

Yet when it comes to my mental health, I have taken the reigns by starting open-ended therapy. Rather than let a lull turn into a downward spiral, I have been attending sessions for a few months now to slowly pick apart all the things that continue to have a hold over me. It has been incredibly difficult. I have cried in every single session. But I am making progress. The biggest eye-opener so far has been learning that I almost constantly punish myself for, and hold myself back from, being my true self.

Balancing Act

I’m still experiencing a level of disinterest when it comes to most of my hobbies, and am also finding it difficult to motivate myself to exercise regularly as of late. I don’t feel there is too much I can say on this apart from that I must make time for myself and try to feel things out as I go.

Then on a wildly different note, I have also begun a new ~ romantic ~ relationship. Something that I didn’t see coming at all… In fact, if you would have told past me I would have a boyfriend just a few months ago, I would have laughed you out of the room, down the street, and off of the planet. I’m scared, I’m excited, but I’m taking each day as it comes. Ultimately I am having a wonderful time right now, and I think that is the most important thing.

I guess that whilst some parts of my life are currently stagnant, I am working towards finding out who I am and the direction I want to pursue in a somewhat roundabout way. Through unravelling how I am guarded and suppress myself in therapy, I am hoping that this will provide a basis for me to create a better understanding of myself and, consequently, work out where I am headed. And despite my dwindling interest in the usual things that bring me joy, the universe is giving me signs that I deserve good things - and that they are likely to happen when I least expect them. I must try to be patient, and just do what I can, when I can.

It isn’t easy to live in this moment. To sit with the uncertainty and insecurity surrounding it all. To feel as though I am wasting time and failing myself. Spinning plates to stay afloat. But isn’t that just it? As some things go up, others will come down. Life is a balancing act, and I can’t do much else than take the rough with the smooth.

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Starting Over

Portrait by  Luke

Portrait by Luke

You join me at a very strange time in my life.

I'm in my mid-twenties, with a degree, and full time job in a related field, but feel so incredibly lost. 

The success I worked towards since childhood doesn't equate to the expectation I bestowed upon it, and after years of striving towards this, I can't begin to tell you what I want. Or, more damning, who I am.

Whilst there are parts of myself that speak louder than others, such as the bands I like or genres of books I enjoy, this doesn't resemble a full personality to me. They shape who I am, but don't make who I am, and to be honest, right now, they feel like fragments floating in the ether.

I often blame my undeveloped state on the childhood Summers I can't tell apart. Spent inside and ill, rather than outside exploring. But whatever reason I use to try to understand my stunted growth does not change the fact that there's only one person who can actually change it - and that's me.

Feeling restless and pent up in this constant cycle of not knowing, I thought I would start here. In a space that is mine, and a space I can experiment in.

Looking back, I don't feel like my blog has ever been an extension of myself, but a projection of the person I thought I wanted to be. Whilst every post was written to present a toothy grin, many were dead behind the eyes. And when I focused my blog on three topics in the hope to guide me, I boxed myself in further; forgetting that I wasn't a brand, genre or theme, but a fucking human being. (Sorry Mum.)

This doesn't have a conclusion, because it isn't one. It's a start. I just don't know where I'm going next.

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