How do you "conversation"?
Now, I don't know if this is just me, but since I was in my second year of university I came to notice that I actually really struggle to hold a conversation. I mean if you give me a topic I am passionate about, know inside out, or if I'm very close to you, you can only try to keep me quiet. If the basis of a chat is purely small talk though, my mind goes blank.
And I don't mean the kind of blank where its like "
What was I going to say?" but more that I can't think of anything to contribute in the first place. It feels like my brain goes "Nope" and shrivels to the size of a peanut. I bet you can hear wind whistling, and see the tumbleweed rolling through my brain, casting shadows across my eyes as it happens. It's like the word/s I am seeking are on the tip of my tongue - or partially hidden behind frosted glass. I can just about get a glimpse of them, yet have no chance figuring out what they actually are. Part of me would love to join in... But there have been many occasions I genuinely have felt utterly clueless about what to say. Some people have the gift of the gab, and I'm just not one of them.
On the other hand, I've always been a listener. Since as far back as I can remember, I've always found pleasure in sitting back and taking everything in. When I was very young I loved going to parties for the sole reason that I liked to see everyone enjoying themselves. I would contently sit and watch from a chair just off to the side. Listening to bellowing laughter at funny anecdotes and family-friendly "top bants" brought me so much joy. I still like doing this now. I especially adore going out to eat, just so I can listen to over-dinner-chatter and people speak happily about their yummy meal. Simple, but it makes me so very happy.
I wanted to write about this because I have been rudely told on more than one occasion that I need to "talk more". I've always been quiet, but this just made me feel even more super self-conscious of my quietness and think
When really... No. I don't think I do. I always try to be polite and helpful. I say when I don't understand and when I need help. And I do share my feelings, thoughts, and opinions even if they are more via my fingers online, rather than from my mouth IRL... Which I think can be a much greater thing, considering that it's a much larger and far more permanent platform,
- So actually, I don't think I'm doing so bad at all!
I hold my hands up. I would love to have more conversational skills and I am working on it everyday - especially since I've finished university and have started work out in the real world
. That being said, I going to continue making sure I remember that not everyone can be great at everything, and this is something that just isn't my forte. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. It's time to accept my weaknesses, parade my strengths and ultimately just
try my best
. We're all human guys and gals...
And you're doing awesome